The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection. ~George Orwell
I can still remember her words, like it was just yesterday: "this is your house?" I must have been eight or nine at the time. Those words have dug a spot in my brain so far, that I have not been able to retrieve them and shoo them away. Even after all of these years!
Growing up we never had a very, um, how shall I say.. "fashionable" house. Actually I was down-right embarrassed of it at times. But, as a kid growing up in a not-so-friendly-world-at-times, this could be quite normal. We had a house full of not-even-near-finished projects. The carpets were in need of updating, as was the icky bird wallpaper in the front room! The house was in a time-warp, with little chance of getting its lucky break of getting a much-needed updo. Being a kid I didn't understand that my folks barely had enough to get a decent meal on the table, much less get that new couch that I had always hoped for. Being a kid I was in a different kind of bubble, one that saw what others had and desperately wanted to be just like them.
One day I had a friend come over for the first time. She stepped in the door and the very first words were those dreaded ones I shall not so soon forget: "this is your house?" For those words I can only assume that she meant one of two things. 1. "Oh my goodness! This is a ugly house! I would have thought you would have something nicer!" or 2. "Oh my goodness! What an awesome house! You are so lucky!" Now, being a rather with-it kid, I knew which one she meant. I could sense it in her voice as well as the expression on her face. I was ashamed and it has been something that I have carried with me all my life. Nice house = a good thing!
Now I am a mom, almost pushing 40 (this April). I can still replay that day. I can still hear those words. All these years have caused an anxiety in me to try to present a "nice house." Now, you must know something about me first! I am not the most tidy of the bunch. I have an eye for letting things go and forgetting about them until way much later ( like the huge pile of clean clothes on our family room floor that is in need of being put away, for example!) I am not a "slob", but I am no Tina Tidy either! So, not being super-tidy and having the "nice house syndrome" really don't go hand in hand. (you can see my anxiety here..) Anyone coming into our home would probably describe it as very nice. In my mind though I can always see the "needtobe's": this needs to be done, that needs to be done. My mind can never seem to relax. I am always wanting things to be perfect. I always wonder what people are saying about my house. I NEED TO CHILL OUT!!
I have many friends that fall into the category of , what I like to call, "pretty house people." You know what I am talking about! Those people with wonderfully decorated houses,with all the matchy-machty stuff. Pictures are actually hanging on the walls and not sitting on the floor waiting (a needtobe!) There are real life plants, that are actually growing! Fresh flowers perfectly arranged on the table. Not a speck of dust, dirt, or fur (unlike my rolling tumbleweed-hairballs that seem to be getting bigger by the second!) No, these homes seem to have magically appeared right out of Pottery Barn. Those of you who know me, know I have a Pottery Barn taste too, but a Goodwill budget! When I come home from these pretty houses I am instantly in let-down mode as I step back into my house. "If only", "what if", and "I wish" all flood my mind! The "this is your house" instantly comes to mind.
Most recently I have started (and finished!) painting our family room. It is was a rather easy fix up and it looks good. As I was painting though, I had one of my famous "a-ha" moments. It finally struck me. FINALLY! I started to truly look around our really nice home and it hit me. This is OUR home! It is not just a "house." It is a lived in space that five people that I care for so very much love, learn, share, and believe in. This is not ever going to be a page out of Pottery Barn magazine, and that is OK. I don't need to impress my friends with a "show" house. They know anyway, that that is not my style. And, no matter how much I try to polish, fluff, or matchy-match, I still don't need to fit the mold of those "pretty house people." All that stuff is not going to make my family life a happier one. Those things in the long run don't matter at all! What does matter is trying my best to make our house a loving home. One filled with Christ and lots of hugs and kisses.
I may still my look longingly at those pretty Pottery Barn catalogs that show up in the mail. I will still be friends with those "pretty house people." But, today I am putting my foot down! I am retrieveing those dreaded words etched for years (too many!) in my brain and releasing them forever! This girl has grown up!